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Well, its still status quo for me. In fact, I’ve not thought about last night today. I did however, read John and wonder what God had in store for me there. I don’t want to change! oh man.. My mind tells me this is terrible but I just don’t feel like doing anything about it. The fear of the changing power of God is still there.. much reduced.. but still there. I’m like worried what will happen to me if I become a totally sold out to Christ Christian. I won’t be yann howe anymore!

I’ve been complaining alot alot alot recently also. Even I grow tired of my own complaining. Its like a habit now. Shall shut up for the next few days. Why should a christian murmur? I think I have lost the joy of the LORD and at the same time, his strength, thats why I’ve been so tired and high strung.

The joy of the LORD is my strength!
The joy of the LORD is my strength!
The joy of the LORD is my strength!
Oh the joy of the LORD is my strength

Shall sew up my bro’s bag now and listen to some scripture on the scripture meditations CD.

I know this feeling. I’ve felt it before. It is the fear of the changing power of God.

Headaching since 11am. Sigh.. even a nap from 2-5 couldn’t take care of it. Maybe its a stress headache. Whatever the case, My exams seems to be pretty much doomed from the 3rd paper. One after the other increasingly hard. I’ve been thinking of what I can do without a degree. I’d have to start a business. Oh boy.. thats just so.. daunting. But more fun and flexible than working for someone I guess, just with the added stress of actually making profit.

I dug up a cd player from the 90s (oh man! I’ve been alive that long!) and I’m using it now. Its so old school! My bro bought it last time. Absolutely delectable sound, construction is so good also.. magnesium alloy body and all. I’m going to try and mod it and stuff it with lithium batteries if I can. Going to ikea tomorrow to study with zg. No mp3 player so decided to grab this along. Some advantages of going old skool:

1. No need to spend some more money, most CDs I have already anyway
2. No need to sync or transfer songs, choosing what to listen is easy.. just grab disc before going out
3. Bringing a pile of discs is not so bad considering I already have like.. another 10kg of stuff anyway
4. Nobody wants to steal it
5. Sound quiality is wayyy higher than mp3. Of course, have to get better equipment to hear the difference

Hmm.. I actually think I like this more than an mp3 player. Its got about 40sec of buffer for shock proofing so I guess thats not too big a problem. Only think I don’t like is.. hmm.. I don’t know.. haha.. I think its so cool! I don’t think I listen to more than a CD each time I go out anyway. This way I can’t listen to music I download too. Lastly, My creative headphones don’t sound as bad as the day I got them already. Quite tragic I’m getting used to them. I thought they were totally crappy when I got them. Haha.. well, at least I didn’t pay for it and the insulation is decent.

I think I’m beginning to be happy with what I have. I have so much already. Just need to open my eyes to what I have instead of what I want

I think I’m in panic mode already. The frustration of not being able to do math is terrible. Anyways, I took a nap, went out for dinner at ajisen with my dad and calmed down already. I think I need to do a little more work now. Goodnight =>

Well, I’m quite convinced that bible verses are not meant to be memorized for nothing. Oh well.. I had an esasperating talk this evening over dinner so I’m like quite shut off already. It was like talking to myself 10 years ago but more antagonizing than that.

I’ve come to realise I’m so sian cos, I haven’t revisited the very basis of my beliefs for so many years. I thought I could leave it behind. When I see someone trying to go down that path to acceptance its so difficult. Cos, he drags me through the whole laborious process again.. which I know ultimately leads no a fruitless end.. no answers.. and just a leap of faith.

Why is the bible true? strictly speaking, no answers, I just accept it.

Is the earth young? Strictly speaking, no answers, I just accept it.

Is there a God? Again, same thing.

For those who claim to have answers, you’re deluded. Everyone presents their “compelling” evidence. Its really what you want to believe. How do you tell someone who’s searching for answers there isn’t one until you choose the answer? Haha.. don’t ask me, I made my choice long ago.

Well, sometimes I encounter super gek sim behaviour that can’t exactly classify as sin but can sure be classified as ultra irritating and totally wrong and feel like banging wall kind. I wonder if the solution is just to ignore it.

Off the radar I go! find yourself a new *whatever-I-was-to-you* for the next 3 weeks.

Well, nothing much more to stay awake for. I’m slightly tired only but would like to start tomorrow early and fresh. I suddenly thought of how nice it was to have no music during service this past sunday. It was just different. All the song wordings were so much heavier and hard hitting and I felt that funny feeling inside again when I sang “more love to thee”. Maybe, we should concentrate on loving God and we would love each other so much more. Like how when you’re nice to a person in need you’re really being nice to Jesus. To tired to type. My mp3 player is missing… Wonder where it went?