ThisCowIsPurple.com

Am I very boring? I love the predictable in life, can eat the same thing every day for about a year at a time and feel in control in familliar environments. That said, I’m probably just as scared as anyone else at new things but I have more guts to do things that require overcoming of set perceptions in my mind. I enjoy the everchanging situations in a classroom, yet hate to settle into routine. What does that mean I am? I can do.. nothing.. for as long as I feel like usually. And I don’t get bored except at work work work. I wonder how ppl can don’t get bored at work and be excited about other things. I’m quite the other way round.. bored at work and not really looking for any excitement outside. I’m just sad already. I can’t change myself. Whats wrong with that? Nobody can. Especially at somehting as benign as being..

boring.

Well, I had a bike got stolen day. Just 6 hours.. and its gone when I come back. This is such a mockery. For all the times I lock it there overnight it escapes these theiving scum.. this time I leave it for 6 hours in the middle of the day and it disappears. Sigh.

I got some prof who emailed me wanting to meetup to “see if i have any problems studying in the ECE dept”. Sigh. I missed Lab this morning again. I was just too tired to even get up so I went back to sleep. Actually I think I’m more likely trying to escape it by not going cos I really am so lousy at it. I don’t even know whats going on! Worse, its computer related module. Its eunice getting a piano piece she cannot play, david getting a patient with a bone problem he cannot deal with, Dr chua getting a cancer patient he doesn’t know how to treat, charissa getting a shoe too big for her to wear. haha.. oh well.. scrap the last one. This is the first time I see myself running away from something I cannot overcome. I hope he calls tomorrow.

This seems to be the final straw. I used to think everyone’s wedding was special to them and I felt so obligated to help everytime. Not anymore. I don’t see anyone helping me in future cos everyone will reach my stage in future or be too busy or too tired, neither do I think I would want to do something so big that needs alot of help. I’m just feeling super ultra turned off by the one million songs presented, the 3 thousand items that follow and all that after a stupid tekan session in the morning to pick up someone I’ve known so much better than anyone tekaning me for their own amusement. Lets face it.. ahyees are lame and so yesterday, its not really that fun and everyone is just trying to excite themselves. The tricks are the same.. the money, the demans.. *yawn*. Who cares about all her friends? I’m not marrying them. I just make them happy and occasionally amuse them so they don’t give me trouble for stealing their girlfriend away from them. Who was the loser that thought of ahyee sessions anyway?

Beyond that, weddings are so gone case nowadays. Maybe its just the factory made mass produced wedding plans that are getting to me. Everything has lost its meaning. Every one seems like a copy of the one before + something to outdo their friends + a litte more of their ostentasious ideas added. Its just a bloated, overweight and idiotic burden of an event that was never meant to be this cumbersome.

Of course, all this talk may be premature.. but what to do? I’m the guy, if ppl want then must do right? how can you stand against a huge relentless tide of idiocity? you can’t. So forgive me if my wedding (if it ever comes to pass) has like.. a full scale concert with a 100 piece orchestra, $50/head reception and a 12 course dinner where you eat till the caviar comes out your nose. You can be sure I never asked for it.

Or maybe.. Its just cos I have a ton of work undone, due tomorrow, I’m upset (admittedly abit unreasonably) by people today and really don’t have anyone to talk to cos YX is busy tuitioning. Hai..

But don’t get me wrong, I’m SO not helping anyone anymore. The world still spins without me.

I am totally overwhelmed and out of control of my commitments and time in my life. Maybe thats why I’ve been so listless and down for the past 2 days. I simply cannot finish everything. I’ve spent a couple of minutes committing my time and tasks to the Lord, knowing he’ll take care of me.

I feel like I am less and and less in church even though I’m physically still there. I go for service.. then down to macs to study, spend the crazy non-existent lunch hour practising for another person’s wedding, maintaining things around church and well, eating with whatever time’s left. Spend 3 hours at FBI, I admit its very half heartedly I do it nowadays.

I just totally gave up singing today. I felt like I had to stop doing stuff and sit down to eat so I wouldn’t suddenly shout at somebody or smash something. When uncle Kwai Sang started nagging me about the projector and how it droppped again in the early morn I felt like taking it and smashing it on the floor in front of him and say like “LOL! projector got pwned baby!! wHOOOOOooooo!!!! now we don’t have to take care of it anymore!”. Of course, it sound exciting in the mind. Prob not so great in real life and more stupid when you sit around and think of it. Why, I might as well spend the $1000 buying myself a $400 22″ LCD and use the leftover $600 to get an ipod (got new ones.. wah lau.. temptation).

Its these little things that make me wonder, why am I so busy? What will come of it? Does it really matter? The past few days people have been doing what I usually do alone. I’m really glad in some sense. It makes me feel like I’m not the only one who is able to do all these things (eg. bring and setup the piano, do some maintenace on the computers, sing bass, manage website). I’m so sick of all that. I’m formally releasing my control to God. If everything screws up, its not my fault anymore. Speaking of website, I broke it real bad this time. I can’t be bothered to fix it up now, just trying a rollback to a lower version of wordpress - if it can’t work then forget it.

I want to complain! sigh.. (done: thanks bernice).

I shall go do some variations on the cantata flier that needs to be done by tomorrow and printed for sunday.

Distress. You know sometimes you feel like this. I don’t even know how to verbalise it when your battle gets so tough until you feel like more than giving up. You feel like giving your whole life up and saving yourself the trouble. Why why.. do you feel like you’re alone when you know everyone’s the same? Its seeing a ditch and driving straight into it knowingly. Sigh.

Sian man. Haha. Sigh.. so borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred.. and tired.. and everything else..  oh man. Anyway, I think i have someone to be with at least for 2 modules. This girl I met during my previous sem. Did project together cos we were the “leftovers” after everyone else grouped up. Oh well.

I think I need some peace and quiet from everyone, even if it means isolation for now. Thank you very much. I’m so tired of thinking and thinking of what to say so as not to sound wrong or get anyone upset. My blog doesn’t match up with my real life? Then maybe you shouldn’t read it or maybe you shouldn’t talk to me and think you know me like you used to. Choose one, don’t come disturb can already. I hate this kinda cryptic message to a certain so and so kinda thing crap but I mean, what does anyone expect me to do? What? Like what man? Tell me and I’ll do it..

Anyway now I’m kena-ing from everyone. Sigh. Sucks to be me.

Going to send my aunty for checkup for a lump on her chest. Probably going to take a whole morning. Maybe lunch with my sister and bro, maybe after that I can come back and continue packing my room up. This is making me pretty fed up already.

Spent the whole evening formatting my bro’s computer. I’m quite surprised that trying to activate a windows installation is so difficult nowadays. Oh well.. its very hard to find CD keys which I can use online. And all that because we don’t have a recovery CD for the computer. bah… Anyhow, I shall go and sleep now. I’m very very very very tired in the day and have no idea why. Just having a bad day I guess. I’m tired - of everything. Not just school and exams. Wanna take a break from everyone and everything.

Did you ever feel tired like crazy but you can’t sleep because your mind is shouting inside your head? Like you keep thinking and thinking and your mind doesn’t want to rest? I get up and my eyes just feel too tired and dry to read so I can’t get anything done at all. I want a toast with egg and cheese to make me happy..

Din sleep whole of last night.. play abit of game then decided to just push on and study if not I’ll never be able to wake up to meet bern for breakfast! I died at 830 all the way until 945, the killer time when you’re so tired until you just shut down. After you survive that you will feel like you’ve slept the night before.

Anyway, had a nice short breakfast with Bernice (Hi bern! Thanks for the kind words..). Then I remembered I wanted to get my friend’s phone number (I forgot again) to ask him stuff or to meet up with him. I decided to ask him stuff and he was very nice and helped me as much as he could.. hmm.. Must thank God for his blessing. That calmed my nerves abit even though some he still dunno. Then after that I followed him to tutorial where I made 1 more com engin friend. So now I know 2 people in computer engin!! *clap clap* so lame right. After that I went for a clinic session for one of my modules where you can just go ask questions.. there’s like nobody at all la! wahlau.. so I got one hour personal tuition. Then I slacked around then went home. Its kinda tiring really… but now I don’t feel tired! And I’m quite happy I went there to ask stuff.. cos one week of info just squeezed into my brain in that short time.. so much better than lectures and tutorials.

Benji’s online now, kinda miss him. Haha.. Things still go on the same, but its somehow different still.