What do you think? Haha..

So what’s all this got to do with receiving the word you might think. Alot actually. Some thoughts crossed my mind as the box sat on the ground.

Am I this happy to receive the Word?

Haha.. what a spoiler for myself right. So can you think of something you receive with gladness more than the word?

Everyone can worship in private, responding to his revelation through the bible and receiving his word can be done alone, prayer is also to be done alone “in the closet”. That said, all the above activities are also to be done in a group setting. The early church gathered and broke bread daily. They prayed together. They listened to the word spoken by appointed elders together. Man’s social need has been there even in his perfect state, that’s why Eve was made for Adam, a companion that was like and equal to him because it was not good for him to be alone. Obviously the companionship was not just sexual or for reproduction, I’m sure she was just as much an intellectual and emotional companion as well as a work partner. It is almost recorded in genesis as if Eve was an afterthought but I’m sure God had it in his plan already. A long list of whys probably exist but I guess its not that important.

Time after time the fickleness of the human emotion still catches me by suprise though and as I said earlier this week, I find myself being more and more of a social creature as I grow older. I guess the more people grow on you the more they can really upset you and vice versa.

I’m glad I’m going to be in church this week. I told someone I feel permanently damaged already and only God can fix me. Perhaps the day will come for me to raise the anchors and move on. It doesn’t feel so soon and I’m hoping that day comes quietly and gently because I can’t take very much. It won’t be an easy journey but as they say, almost nothing worth doing is ever easy.

Today I spent most of my day with Oswald. Finished our work together in the morning which involved climbing roughly a total of 30 storeys each with all kinds of boxes furniture and stuff. Up and down and up and down.. my legs were trembling in the afternoon after we got done at 1230. Ate lunch at the curry rice stall at maxwell.. sooo good. Then we went sls to buy a router, BK to wait for the rain to stop and then sungei road and the antique store opposite raffles hospital/medical center.

Its nice talking to him cos we are very different but still have worked closely together before as musicians. I also always find it amusing to find that he’s related to Alvin and Stanley. So to give him a feel of what I felt like I told him I was related to the other Alvin.. haha.. and then he understood.

Anyway it was back to home for dinner for both of us. I hurried out to sell a Canon Snappy 20 at Eunos then came back to sell the Saitek joystick at my place. It’s pretty good that I managed all this, I’m quite happy that people bought stuff. I still have quite abit of stuff to sell but I guess it’ll be slowly slowly. I gave up on the LOMO LC-A and am going to send it in for repair tomorrow at sunshine plaza. I’m wimping out because I don’t have the parts for it, anyway even with the repair I don’t think I’ll exceed market price. So much for an easy fix..

I still have quite a long way to go. Tomorrow’s going to be a short day I think. Maybe I’ll get a call.. I need to cast my nets wider for a job.. but I don’t know why I don’t want to. Perhaps I want this one too much. hahaha..

Well I’ve been trying to sell of my stash of cameras (everything that’s mine) except for those that aren’t exactly mine and those I wanna keep. That only includes my

1. Canon 5D + 28mm f1.8
2. Voigtlander Vito B
3. Minolta SRT102 + 50mm f1.4
4. Nikon 50mm f1.2
5. Canon G9 (for now)

Surprisingly short list. The rest are worth only about 500++ in total, nowhere near my 5D even. I guess I would have gotten myself a smashing Bessa R3a + 35mm f1.4 or a leica instead of everything else I’ve come to pick up here and there. Hmmm.. which made me come to the thought that its probable better to just get very very few things that you really like instead of getting something cheaper but not exactly what you want. YX said my G9 was (at that time) all I ever wanted. Well.. I must say I felt out of place using it for a long time and never got to really loving it even though I wanted it for so long. I still like my C5050 better if only it wasn’t so painfully slow. Bottom line is you never really know what you want until you get it. The g9 is a negative example.

The positive example is my 5D. After I got it I totally just stopped being interested in any newer DSLR technology (it was already 4 years old when I got it.. old stuff!) and I really think its pointless to upgrade to anything newer even though the newer stuff spanks the pants off the 5D. It satisfies all the needs and wants I have and is more than I ever wanted from a camera. Same goes with lenses.. I thought a 50mm f1.4 was good.. but the lens that I got stuck onto is the 28mm f1.8, much maligned but works for me. Other things I’ve bought that fit into this category are my speakers (Altec Lansing for $119 back in 2005), my Nokia Music Express phone (rest in peace), Apple iPhone and I guess my running shoes.

Now the obvious fact is looking at something breeds desire which feeds on itself. If you’re just a teeny bit interested, it’ll grow into something you will die without if you keep entertaining it. That includes everything, even people whom you’re not supposed to want. Anyway, sticking to the less sensitive things like material goods, it really helps when I don’t go scouring the forums for cameras and gear I really don’t even want or know of. Replace my camera obsession with your own thing like bags, clothes, shoes, computers, phones, ipods and you’d have contextualized it for yourself.

I guess, sometimes we can buy stuff for ourselves since we are supposed to enjoy the fruit of our labor. Even the ox and donkeys were not allowed to be muzzled as they worked on the grain but the turning point I guess is when we keep wanting something so badly it gets mis-prioritized in life. Buying stuff instead of saving for your future, spending beyond your means, gambling in order to gain more (bu4 lao2 er2 huo4) and  wasting time checking out stuff you don’t need or want (that’s me!). So much  time gets wasted.. I kinda regret wasting so much time now. hahaha.. and sometimes I get carried away wanting stuff more than wanting to read and pray or go out and do some work. That’s worldliness in its true form I guess.

So, I think i’d better rest! tomorrow I’m meeting one or two buyers after climbing bukit timah, then hopefully heading to church / young adults gathering. I must say its difficult growing up into this young adults thing. I feel so isolated because of the difference in lifestyle compared to all the usual people I’m around. haha.. still, there must be some meaning in life at this stage.

I was more interested in finding myself like how I felt after I picked up my 5D. I picked up something that was old (this is the 8gb 3G) but still wayy more functional and useful than I will ever need. Why get 16 or 32gb? is the 3Gs really faster? will I need a compass? Nike+? So after answering no to all the above, I guess it doesn’t bother me and thats why I think I’m getting older.. or maybe that’s the feeling you get when you buy something that you really just wanna use and don’t care about.

I think, however, I would feel different if i suddenly got myself an iPad or a 1D mk4. I think I might actually feel abit more happiness for a while. I wonder why that is so? And if both of the above cost $2 each, I wonder if i would still be happy or happier or would I not be interested? Is something unattainable or out of reach more desirable and satisfying? haha.. that’s a stupid worldly notion! But yet it has some kind of truth in real life. Perhaps this is why coveting and desiring something is super dangerous be it material, relational or something else.

I have found myself wondering this a couple of times the past few months. What does it usually indicate when a Christian starts to shrink away from others and try and isolate themselves purposefully, not to seek God or some other good reason like quieting down but just feels like shunning other people to be alone? Does it have something to do with their relationship with God?

The Symptoms

For me, it is accompanied by a loss of peace, lack of quiet moments with God and a total loss of interest in sharing the Gospel. Encouraging others goes out the window and so does the temper and patience. Grace suddenly vanishes from the vocabulary and is replaced with resentment in varying amounts. Some calm moments exist when I wonder about whats wrong with me but it quickly goes away and there is no time for conviction. Occasionally I squeeze out a kind face, some smiles and gentle words for people closer but still, nothing has really changed. Searching for answers is fruitless and frustrating and the difference between and genuine and non-genuine thoughts and feelings become less obvious. Service is something I wanna skip because I know I’m just wasting time serving in the flesh. In short I can safely say that in this state I have no fruit of the spirit, no love, no beattitudes. The flesh pwns.

The disease

*two weeks later* I still am clueless as to what the problem is. Perhaps it is un-surrender, perhaps it is a ignorance to my fleshly state and perhaps it is simply a lack of the basics of the Christian life which is praying and reading the bible. Whatever the case(s) it is a place where I don’t want to be, a disease I do not wish to submit myself to be aflicted by. Perhaps, this section is completely unimportant when compared to the next.

The Cure.

The cure for me was simply “looking unto Jesus”. So what do I mean in a practical sense? I stopped looking at myself and trying to figure out what was wrong. I submitted myself to his word and commands that are explicitly known. I made the choice to seek and was rewarded with finding. I made a choice and God saw it through. I didn’t get out because I was faithful, I got out of my mess because God was faithful.

All in all the past month has been a walk in the wilderness. I’m still not perfectly sorted out but I’m learning to rest in him. I hope this post will be a standing stone and a reminder to myself how great God’s faithfulness is.

As for anyone else who’s been wandering I hope you get things sorted out!