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Sometimes when I run out I think “what else do you want from me? I’m Empty. Nothing left for you to take.” Then the better half of my mind insists that there is this infinite grace to tap on. Not to sound calloused or annoying but which idiot made it sound so simplistic?

The idea certainly is simple. Execution of it is not as straightforward, there is just so much flesh in the way. “then get it out of the way la!” you say? I guess everyone has their own demons, only people who have no love and understanding say this kinda things. I know, because I say it all the time.

Sigh. I want a break.

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My eyes are sooo tired. Other than gluing the boat, changing the maid (thats a whole story in itself) I spent alot of today browsing through jobs online, DBS, Bank of America, looking at the classifieds and still came up with nothing really much. The DBS site has tons of stuff but wading through it is crazy. Applied for one and carry on looking through tomorrow. Shall do a small shoot with William tomorrow at night for our resumes and just stupid stuff like that. Now I’m really quite frustrated already with this. I’m trying to find what I really want to do and all the conflicting interests in my mind just can’t seem to prioritize themselves. I shall list a few.

I love to teach, but its super dead end with regards to doing something else in future and if I go now it almost seems like a first and final career. The starting pay is good but like every govt job the pay stagnates when you get more senior unless you are a high flyer.

I like to take photos and the enquiries here and there from my ads are honestly making me halfhearted when I apply for a stable job because each one makes me feel like photography is feasable. I feel that with enough learning, time and ads I can make it because honestly when I look at what I have to offer I think it is substantial and worth enough money. If I do this every week and every month I will get better and my pay goes up each time. But the bummer here is time.. Most successful photographers take 2 or more years to get a stable pay and not worry where the next job will come. I don’t want to invest time and have it fail. You can say I am scared to fail. Then I will have to start from here again.. where I am currently. I would be older and slightly outdated.

I wouldn’t mind a stable job and a paymaster so I know I have money coming in each month on a certain date and my career moves up and on regularly if I pay attention to it. I don’t need to worry about where the next job is coming or have to be a one man company. I just do the same job, over and over and over again and get very good at it, collect my pay and enjoy myself when I’m not working. Being a guy doesn’t this seem like the safest option? i mean, just after teaching, which I think I will never ever tire of?

How man how? I feel triple minded. All of them call out to me for all the different reasons. I feel so frustrated its like going to explode in my head.

So why am I in a hurry when I can part-time and ad-hoc my way through life? perhaps its multiple pressures from different sources, my desire to move on in life, others’ perceptions. Sigh. Honestly if I were single and staying that way, I think I’d be in very much less of a hurry and go for #2. #3 will surely most desirably preceed #1 but in the end.. I predict #1 will come to pass. I am seriously not

Ultimately, I am chasing money, which happens to be in the way of chasing the rest of my life. I really don’t care what I do, money is just the means. Job satisfaction almost means nothing to me at this point in life. Its just something people complain about because they have nothing else to complain about.

I don’t really know what to pursue.. and its slowly getting to me.

My life has slowed down alot these days. I only manage to do one or two things each day, then the end of the day is here. I don’t get alot of things packed together and I kinda enjoy it like that. Each day passes faster and faster and I seem to be moving in slow motion in comparison. Another thing I’ve noticed is that I mostly get things done before deadlines and though I am still as apathetic towards consequences. I generally get things done early not because I am afraid I will miss the deadline, I am more afraid of all the work converging and getting overwhelmed. The nice side effect of avoiding overwhelming work is well.. getting things done early!

Getting things done early is great. It costs money to do things last minute(think of anything express.. costs much more)! It also usually costs more time and stress, totally not worth it. Nowadays (without planning) I space out my work completion dates around. Staying up today till 3am just to get one thing done early means one thing less tomorrow. And If i stay up till 3am tomorrow, I’ll be thankful I finished whatever I did today at 3am. Things stacking up in the urgent list definitely reduces the quality, speed and efficiency of your work as well.. something to consider.

I currently juggle FYP, project 1, project 2, maintaining a website or two, taking and processing photos, some adhoc jobs here and there. I’ve been blessed to have a photoshoot with some NTU hall committee this sunday afternoon. It’ll be an interesting start to my pseudo side-career as a photographer. Come to think of it, I haven’t been obsessive in finding work and experience as many other successful people I’ve seen on the net.

I need to do a birthday post and all the crazy things that happened but I’m flooded with work. Haha.. I really kinda enjoyed my day. Slow and easy as well. Going off to bed! Going to put back together a lens I cannot completely take apart.. that’s never happened before.. haha.. Borrowing a 105 and 135mm nikon manual lens for some testing for Sunday’s job. Been wanting to get my clarinet back too. Composed a short piece of music for one of my modules and realised maybe I’m wasting away my time on other things. haha.. sigh.. Still haven’t sorted out my thoughts about the christian and music, every hardline point of view seems like nonsense to me and nothing has been truely convincing after 12 years of involvement. I’d like to put up some photos but I think I’ll stick with text for a while.

Besides being all awake at this unearthly hour, its also worth noting that I’m feeling weird all over. I got up at ten but until now just don’t seem to be able to sleep. How torturous is that? So I’m doing some FYP and reading. My mid term break already started and I kinda have quite a few things to hand up after its done.

I wish I could pick up some you tiao and soya bean at this time but I don’t think that’s possible. Had a good lunch, dinner and I think I won’t be awake for tomorrow’s lunch. Sigh. Time’s just running too fast for me to do any catch up. I think I’ve already been overwhelmed without knowing it. haha.. at least it doesn’t feel bad and I have my head screwed on straight.

I think I might also feel like making a life is pretty complicated as opposed to being handed a role and pre-set instructions for everything. Off I go now. Maybe after abit more work my body will fall into line and sleep before the sun rises.

I’ve been doing many things which mostly consist of school related stuff. Just went for RT at the wrong time.. haha.. thought its 4pm like Sunday but its actually 6pm so here I am back home trying to squeeze in some work and at the same time scan in a roll I just finished. This roll is speacial, picked it up at sungei road.. didn’t think it would be exposed but it actually is!! Hallf expected that so I’m not so suprised… almost thought its not my roll when I went to collect.  haha.. so here are my photos.. overlapping photos of this guy’s daughter.. or some small kid which I do’t know who.. shall upload some later. Basically the whole first half are double exposures.. heh, interesting. Okay! back to computer networks and economics!

..am I?

Well, I’m like buried in crazy work. I’m half thinking its cos I was a little slack. Still, it didn’t look so much when I was slacking. I shall be off to sleep now so I can get up early. Planned out my part of the project but still quite lost as to how to execute. Jialat. My mind can’t be bothered about everything else in my life. Its just constantly thinking about project and FYP. haha..

Its been really a great week (despite all my complaining), I’m not sure why I think so looking back. Maybe its been a nice day thats why. Started out quite slow because I was so so tired from sleeping late for no good reason. I have comitted to sleeping earlier before but I guess its a cycle that you continuously sleep late because the body clock is confused. Had a nice time with the young guys during discussion although it was pretty one way.

I just went thru my photo of the day post category. I must say.. I think I like more of my olympus shots than the Canon G9. At the same time, alot of good shots were taken with the  G9 too..  hmm.. dunno la, I don’t think i’ve found the magic way to handle it yet. Trying in-camera desaturation and muting of colors. Think it give my photos a muted, more somber look.

I just came back from a run too. My knee feels weird and I hope I don’t break it so soon or anything like that, ended up walking. Hello, I need some running buddy! How come all so busy and missing? Shall go shower now that I’ve cooled down.

I’m having the feeling I get when I cannot fix something. Also because there are outstanding tasks that I cannot accomplish. I feel like my degree is a fake and I’ll graduate without knowing anything real and concrete so whats the real point? Get a pretend degree to get a job that’s unrelated? Just doesn’t sound like a logical plan to me. Anyhow its just a couple of insurmountable tasks thats getting to me.

1. Produce some tangible work for FYP report and presentation
2. Finish Assignment due tomorrow
3. Finish some mad Java programming

Its like 3 things only and I can spend days on just trying to do somethin gfor #3. I just found out about #2 yesterday and #1 is just.. I have no idea what to show my prof. Not to mention the quiz that had no anouncement but everyone seemed to know about on monday. I kinda hate studying all of a sudden and want to quit. Abit worse than year 2 man. K la.. going to go out already. Better go shower. Feel like just sleeping and don’t hand in assignment.

Oh last thing thats very annoying is my G9 has been problem since day 1. Now it cannot focus propelrly. I’m over-fed-up already. I don’t think there’s a word for it actually. Over-fed-up will have to do for now.

And the Sohs just left my place. Wah, feel terribly tired and all after getting up halfway last night and after this morning’s FBI. Things are going to be hanging for quite a while in my life and I’m going to let it be. Going to seek out some people from the past to see where my future probably ends up.

History just repeats itself and we don’t have to look very far to have a peek into the future.

Looking into the far future just seems quite daunting. Thankfully, I only have to make one choice at a time.

Life doesn’t exist in binary.. on or off, 1 or 0, true or false, right or wrong. Its a dreadful way to live.

I need the peace to quit. I know I won’t get it but I think its my turn to give up and take a rest. I wish I could pity myself, tell myself I deserve it or just be escapist, let myself be and remain inert, indifferent, uninterested. Finally after so long in the cooker and telling people they belong there since God has in a manner allowed this to happen.. I think I’ll quit being in the cooker. I still believe it but have no will to carry on. Maybe I have been grossly mistaken about that and the cooker isn’t the only place to be. Don’t talk to me anymore. Anyone. I am not interested and refuse to be anymore. I am going to pretend nothing is happening. Its just saddening. There is no crusade for truth here. Just mere men in their flesh on every side.

I will not be.. discouraged from my own walk and maybe for a while, I’d like like to take the hand of my precious Lord, walk with him and cry to him. Listen to him and talk with him. Perhaps when he straightens me out, then I’ll be ready to face men again.