My Brother Leaves Today!
Well, I guess its my turn to say my piece right? Well, for one I’d say a year is not long and when we look back it might have been funny we made such a fuss over it but well, its still quite a long time considering some stuff that will be happening while he’s gone. My sister will have a kid while he’s not around.. and I can’t really think of anything else. Lots of people will be missing him around too I guess. I don’t want to write an eulogy kinda thing, somethings are best left unsaid - like the bad stuff. The rest, I think is better said than not because sometimes you just don’t have another chance. That said, if you think really really long term, you still see people in heaven what.. so I guess saying stuff is only because it makes a difference in this life.
Anyway, I’ll skip all the way to jc, when he came back from NS. The rest before was prob just a blur and maybe unpleasant. I found the 2 years alone in my room quiet and just lidat.. but when we grew up after that it was just different. We each established our own identities and moved along on our own and thats probably all I know to say. Our relationship exists in a very arbitrary manner which I find hard to explain. Therefore I shall try to explain it as best as I can.
I think for me, love for people exists as a fact. I love my family, it never needs to be quantified to me, at least thats how I view it on my end. Simply put, these relationships exist and therefore they are of highest priority. Of course, the rest of the world would not agree since if everyone loved everyone else but made no action to show it, this world would be a very sad place.
Then comes the next question I’ve been asking myself these few days. How do I show people I love them. I was really considering the answer “I don’t” and that would be pretty much true because I really don’t think I do anything much. I mean, it was only about 3 or 4 years ago that I started remembering everybody’s birthdays to the date.. beforewhich I only knew the month. Knowing the dates now, I still am not 1000000% sure.. like, I will have this little doubt in my mind still. Anyway, I think its a passive thing for me. The world can wait but my family can’t. If anything needs to get done, I’d do it and the rest of my life goes on hold. I’m not into gift giving, money giving (what would my parents need the money for??), words of affection or encouragement. Maybe service speaks the loudest for me. Since my family is kinda like super independant do everything yourself , don’t really need help one there’s nothing much to do anyway and also, i’m the youngest and the most dependant, I don’t have much to offer. So the irony is that I do stuff for people but there’s nothing really much to be done anyway. I don’t do anything else, therefore I must not care about them. At least sometimes thats the conclusion they draw.
Next, this notion of family love as a fact is probably because of the security I have in them and that my family is totally able to take each other forgranted. This is not to say we do, but its just one circle and somewhere someone must make a choice to break out of it and use a different measure to measure other’s love. To measure a person’s love for you using your own system of measure is just stupid. Its using a measuring stick to measure the brightness of the sun, using a barometer to weigh a brick, taking a thermometer and using it as a timer.. you get the idea. Well, I measure (or at least I’d like to think I do) people’s love by their own measure.. This of course, requires knowledge of how we show each other love. My dad obviously provides things/dispenses advice when solicited. My mom and bro are doing freaks and my sister is a gifts person. Seriously, have you seen a person who can out-do my mom in the acts of service department? I haven’t. And by her incessant nagging I know she really cares. Like, when she don’t nag its like super unnatural for me.
So there, the semi-eternal(paradoxical phrase??) mystery of whether I actually capable of showing any care for anybody is left semi-unsolved after presenting conclusive but just slightly unrelated information. The question “Wha, you can feel sad one ah?” was posed to me just a week ago. I conclude that I must appear to be some sort of ultra-asperger to the average person in church in addition to my family, with no capability for tact and empathy. Thats all well also, since people conclude that “I’m just like that”. But don’t say I don’t care, thats just unfair.
I (not by choice but by nature) see things in a different way. I see a brother going overseas, so much to do, so much to learn, such an interesting exerience, whats so sad about that? I don’t see the quietness at home, I see the excitement over there waiting for him. I must be weird but I don’t mind.