John 1427 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give …
John 14
27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
I know some of you will come around here and read this so i’ll just say: The atmosphere was so thick during discussion that i can feel the words and thoughts suffocating me. It felt like my brain was being compressed and kneaded like dough with every observation and new point brought up. A discussion i felt had occured roughly 9894 times also came up again. It got to a point where i felt very irritated and fed up already with the atmosphere and place. Not knowing why i feel like this, i cannot really explain myself when i do not want to show up or when i want to leave early. I dont like being coerced into going as if that is the only place on earth i should have been and made to feel like nothing else in my life is more important than spending 3 whole days there. I AM free. I AM zhuo bo. What can anyone do about it? I’m not disputing the value of going there or the decision to call for it. I’ve got nothing better to do (in some of your gracious opinions) and i’m not making excuses nor do i need one. I just want to be somewhere else(ie. anywhere). Thanks for understanding.
Away from that, i feel like i’ve been re-making friends recently. Learning to be friendly and taking the effort to know another person for no particular reason is very difficult. For a mind like mine, i cannot understand or quantify relationships into a meaningful set of behaviours and actions toward each other. It just seems to happen to others more than me. Obviously it can only be something on my side but i cannot figure it out. Maybe if i don’t think it’ll just come by itself.
I’m feeling very troubled these few days for no particular reason at all. And because of that I feel that I’ve been quite compliant and non-agressive. An overcompensation for anything i’m feeling. Wah, i’ve not felt this kinda dark feeling for very long. Its just a weight, a burden like that. Just that theres no reason which makes it even harder to bear. Not even knowing whats bothering me. This feeeling doesn’t grow on me, its eating me. I’ve got to go wash up. I need peace in my heart. I don’t know whats going on. Its just a burst of melencholy. Remember me when you pray okay?