ThisCowIsPurple.com

go here!!! http://www.singingfish.com/ haha… can find so many interesting stuff

Its been so long. Even longer when i think about it. But anyhow i’m back! Think this place rotting already. Sinking deeper and deeper into the mud i am but i’m sorta out of it. Been soooooooooooooooo super disgustingly busy for 3 weeks after field camp that i have only drawn out $50 of my pay this month. thats… ridiculous! but nvm… quite save money like that. I’m always stuck in camp until i got no feeling already.. like a dog stuck in the cage always wanna get out is what i feel. This batch gonna be even more tiring than the last!but after that… can smell… ORD!!!!!!!! hahaha…

Its been a long ride this whole 10 weeks, and i just realise what its like to give your heart to the devil. You feel aimless, numb and begin to entertain the supernatural. It seeps in slowly and then before you know it, you’re just filled with evilness in every way. Every single day is just a journey from 0530 to 2230. Your body is always inhabited by the holy spirit but you can always give space to demons. If you’re not filled with the holy spirit, you are filled with evil. Sounds scary but people do it all the time. The heart is deceitful and lies all the time. The more you think you can handle it the worse it gets. Being holy is not a “try”, its no action on your part.

The corridor between good and evil is an extremely painful place to be. The worst place a christian can spend his life in. its like… wanna do crazy stuff but your mind feels guilty. Wanna do good but no motivation. Listening to ppl is most irritating. oh well… also dunno how to describe my time in the last 2 months. its just a blur that din really happen. Are you reading this? ahaha… getting pretty long but its to make up for my lost time.

And finaly, its my BIRTHDAY in 2 days. Listen to this and tell me how terrible it is: I’m too old to get a card from the youth. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! its horrifying! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. i’m so sad. Think my age group grew up without friends, at least i dun have any now. ahhaa… so stupid. Not like i want any, I need some. Strange to note alot of the friends i’m closest to are from my JC and my sec sch. Why shld they be when i’m going to spend eternity with these church ppl? oh well.. here’s a list that they shld feel honoured to be on. In no order of merit: Jasmine, Ying Chiang, Shuyi, Bernice, Victor, Jian Xiang, William, Desmond. Oh well… dunnoe how alot of them are doing. Too long off the radar already… need to get them soon! But… how impossible is that.

okay.. it has not come to pass. But… i think i’ve taken my step. Start one whole loop of feeling like an ass again. Somethings you nvr look back, bridges burnt, nails hammered into fences. All in a fit of fury that has never burned so fierce. Now that the dust has settled, all i wanna do is to prevent it from happening again. How? cannot rely on myself anymore, i cannot do it on my own neither can i trust my own judgement. so… until then. i’ll be back.

been testing the game boy colour emulator on my hand phone the whole afternoon.. its real good! anyway… that was just a side note.

(How the holy spirit works in our lives; Dr Binney; Eph 5:18)

-The holy spirit is like a seal which marks us with his popurpose and sing of ownership

-Because Man has need of

1) Acceptance(being loved)

2) Completeness(being used)

3) Sufficiency(Power to live)

Holy Spirit provides for those needs

-When someone does not find Christ, he looks for accepance elsewhere. When you come to christ, he takes you under his wings and makes you complete!

col 2:10 “And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power”

-Completeness is finding God’s purpose and carrying it out. You cannot be happy without finding his purpose

2 Cor 3:5 “not htat we are sufficient of ourselves, but our sufficiency is from GOD”

-The holy spirit may want to come into our lives but we can resist: Eph 4:30 “grieve not the holy spirit of GOD…”

When our heart is not clean, the holy spirit cannot fill us because if you regard sin in your heart the Lord will not hear you.

-You have him, but he does not have you.

-”Quench not the spirit” - 1 Thes 5:19

-So… 3 sins against the spirit: Resisting, griving and quenching

Why do we need this spirit? Eph 5:18

How do we know we have the spirit?

- Christ-like gratitude

- Relational harmony

- Joy

Luke 4:1 “Jesus being filled with the holy spirit.. ..led by the spirit into the wilderness”

-only with the spirit can you be steadfast in the face of persecution.. How we react is a reflection of how much you are filled with the holy spirit.

-The spirit is also our “grandbuddy” (if you all remember wad the illustration was) and will be out comforter and friend.

Are you filled with the spirit?

…When these things happen, i’ll be back.

mmmmm.. boring, but a good day to rest. Today so zhuo bo… then cannot take off. So pissed. Just cos they busy then think we also will be busy so all cannot take off… whats the meaning of that man. Then certain ppl say cannot take off.. now go and take off themselves. Not so good loh… wah… pissed off man. leadership by example? poooeey!!

oh well… come here blog and play gunbound then.

Last night talked to this recruit who got a confinement from me. Asked him why he din tell me why he din go and cut hair like the rest then said no money. Found out they actually got quite difficult lives. Bro just come out of prison, parents divorced, mom always take money from him, house still haven pay finish, father dun give any maintenance cos he’s in jail. Go home fight, come here also get tekaned by us… then also, found out alot of them know each other cos they all from boy’s home. And the reson they can take things so lightly over here is cos the boy’s home is far worse than here. He was in there for 3 years… very long time to be there. Sigh…

Think our lives so easy then we still complain about our families dun understnd us, our friends do not reciprocate our affections, not enough money, too busy. This guy i talked to does not know what a father-son relationship is like, does not have a nice peacful environment to go back to when he books out. He’s the only person earning money in the family now that his mom has not worked for 2 months. He would like to sign on but got rejected. 350 goes to paying hp bill, house, insurance, eating and smokes. hmmm… now how many of us can actually complain no money now? And how many of us would still like to complain that a family who wants to love you is too demanding? how many of you actually know wad a friendship in difficulty is? We live in a wonderland, unreal world of nice ppl who study hard, have high iq and go to jc and poly. I feel small sitting in front of him telling him what to do with his life cos i feel so much younger than him even though he’s younger than me by 2 years.

Thats more or less it. Hmmm… give it a thought.

In camp now, felt this compulsion to come here and blog. Today was a quiet day without incident. 2 recruits sorta made lewd jokes in front of one of the orion female rec then i think gonna kena charged. haha… i’m so happy, think its time they got charged. Took abit too long loh.. sigh. still got one more SOC then i finish my day.

ooooo… have to go and take the SOC strength already. Super complicated… so many ppl got diff status. Then fighting fit only got 23 out of 50… less than half! blah..

seeya all around.. =>

i’m a terrible wreck. Last night was too sian to finish the entry so i went down to sleep it off. Residual effects still here, but i’m more or less fine. I’m trying to fill this thing up before i book in. I’m still being bothered loh. I wanna disappear, take a duty to not turn up - which i already have done. hmmm… can take the time to really rest. well… now suddenly got not much to say already.

Heh, saw all my afrc friends. Its been one year down the road.. all still very pretty, attractive and trying to con these poor recruits to sign on. Miss those days, tehy still can recognize me! haha… oh well…

and.. hi jem… dun see you around here often =>

i hate my recruits. I hope they feel the same way.

i think they feel

1)the whole world has given up on them

2)nobody cares

3)they are good for nothing

so… when they start to exhibit -ve behavior… and ppl react in a certain way, it reenforces this thinking and goes in an evil loop. Unfortunately… i’ve lost the energy to push them out of this loop… so i’ve begun tho think they are useless, good for nothing and have given up on them and thereby… strengthen the forces pushing them in this evil loop. I dun benefit from them breaking out… i dun get hurt by their self destructive behaviour, why do i care? haha… you know, when these reports of sadistic treatment of prisoners in iraq come to mind, i can see myself doing the same. To me, they have cease to be humans. Self respecting humans. When they do not respect themselves, why should anyone else? Why should i inject some worth into their meaning-less lives. does God feel so rejected and lousy? worthless and horrible when we throw shit in his face?