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here i am again, staying out cos i’m at khatib until wed… i like staying out but this is real far man…  took a whole hour just taking bus from AMK… weird, i could not find the 39 bus stop so i just took mrt. bahh.. Well, apparently i just went can.com.sg and found that it was about 200m down the road. How was i supposed to find that man… aiyah, heard it can get there in 30min. tomolo will have to go early just in case… rot in the canteen until someone opens the classroom door. Its like a small lt with a screen in front… nice new zealand scenery, a picture of wad you see when you call for fire. Then you sorta give adjustments and all, see where the bomb lands.. Stupid waste of time for us specs cos we’ll never have to do that job loh. Just sit there and look like you know wads going on.. abit lame lah.

 

I’m happy i’m alive, are you?

 

“Love those given to you. The ones you don’t choose and might not even really want - such as your family. Because agape-ing is really choice. To feel that some are easier to agape than others, simply means its really not agape love.”

 

“If agape-love is deficient in the home, it is deficient everywhere else. Where did God send the church to look, when looking at a man of God for their church? He sent the church to his home life. Timothy 3:4-5: “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)” ”

Think the above also emcompasses the duties of a son/brother. Not just a husband or father.

 

oh well… just read it somewhere. Anw.. i believe only God can possess agape love while man can only have a high amount of phileo (a heart-felt or spontaneous love; an affectionate love) in his fleshly state. However… i also believe that the template of love in Corinthians 13 is not un-attainable, nor is perfection un-attainable too. Just not in our flesh thats all. We are to love God with a love thats sooooooo great, that in an exagerrated comparison, the love we show our families would look insignificant, or as the bible puts it, make it look like hate. its like saying our planet is huge…. but the universe is definitely bigger. Not too hard to understand there…

 

 

 

I’ve been having a whole lot of idle thought, the hum sup kind. hahhaa… now how many self respecting guys actually would say that.. but i somehow don’t care anymore about how ppl see me. Its importance to me has diminished so much when i note how my bestest friends don’t shift when they see me inside out. The ones that do go away shld do so and stay where they are.. Hmmm… all this reading about love has shown me how much i haven’t really acheived with ppl. As in… don’t think about those ppl you have no feeling for… how about those you hate? or are somehow born and enplaced in your life just to cause difficulty and pain… hahaha… sigh. too many faces pop up until i dunnoe where to start with this one. Esp in a heirachy bound organization.

 

TBC

See lah, i’m lost… shld have continued it when i was hot just now. Anyhow just wrote what i felt already, just a reaction. Twitch of the finger.

Oh man… do you realise we are not part of our own solution to our own spiritual problems? like… we don’t even belong in the equation. When we actually do try and stuff ourselves in… it dun balance! and it dun work out… some realy interesting food for thought today… hmm. i feel so holy suddenly. For someone who thinks hum sup things through the day. hahaha… oh well… guys will be guys.

Home again. This time spent my day waiting around, booked out at 12, went down to orchard to be with Ying Chiang at 1 since she waiting for her dinner date at 7, also to get tickets for my bslc buddy’s commissioning parade which he only came down at 420. so at 4 i left yc in the care of nu and went orchard to meet up with my bro. took like… 45 mins before he came. I wait until so fan, can die ah.. went eat dinner w chloe and her parents + bro + dency then reach home at 9 plus. So late… hmmm… been thinking lotsa weid stuff these few days. Haha… some ppl would know. But the stuff i tell ppl still not the pinnacle of my weird yet, sometimes just ask myself ridiculous and useless questions for my own curiousity’s sake.  I think i spend too much time in my own world until the thoughts are so far down the road ppl think i’m just talking rots. “he’s at pt B already, but you dunnoe where pt A is yet loh” was wad someone said when someone else din get wad i said. Because of this i think i’m having trouble talking to ppl, cos they really cannot arrive at where i’m thinking even. Bad habit… and its encouraged by the few who actually can understand where i’m going and have been in my conversations. Others… well, they just treat you like some kinda weirdo and aren’t so kind in their words when they intentionally misinteprete you and make fun of you.  I hate that… commonly comes from stupid ppl loh. I also noticed that no matter how individualistic you are, your human self constantly seeks for companionship and acceptance. Lacking it would seriously impair you emotionally and workwise. Stilll have Dr Binney’s msg notes in my phone about feeling accepted, comes from being filled w the spirit.. well, if you dun really see the link, its understandable cos at a glance they seem to have as much in common as a piano and a sliding door.  Will leave you wondering about it..

 

Sigh… so many puzzling things floating about. I think i’m reaching limit, but no… tell myself never to break.

 

“Everybody is searching for a hero

People need someone to look up to

I never found anyone to fulfill my needs

A lonely place to be So I learned to depend on me 

 

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can’t take away my dignity”

 

Sigh… theres so much on my mind i cannot tel anyone! like… gonna stretch until it break already. So many unanswered questions i’d like to know the answers to before its time. Like plucking a fruit before its ripe, no use no good. THere are so many things i wish i knew, to know all i wanted to know, to hear thoughts, to see feelings and to feel intentions out. Too bad for me i’m just a man.. I have to obey the rules of time, physics and logical reasoning, get hurt, experience feelings, happy sad or what not.. i’d just like to break free for just a moment, to know to see and let my heart be invincible to all truth. Cos i think if i knew everything, my mind would not be able to take it. ahaha… all impossible.

 

“Cos i’m the kinf of wishful thinking…”

 

Okay, back to reality. I’m going to khatib camp for 3 days then can stay out everyday… forward observer training. Observation… call for fire… blah blah…

 

ouch, eyes ae mighty tired. GEtting up for breakfast at 9 with yc… dun think she’ll wanna come to church cos she’kll be too tired from all that partying. ta

wah lau.. i failed again!!!! and i’m the highest failure now! sick sick sick. Going to study again now… in the mess. haha… got nobody already cos like all the otehr schs got no courses on. So down here only our ppl. kinda quiet and the mess guy is bored everyday, knows me already cos i come in everyday.

I have been thinking of all kinds of weird stuff. can’t wait for course to be over! lalala… 2 more weeks. and horrible,.. found out one of the instructor is from TJ also.. same batch, marist guy. blah.. he’s slack… just quite surprised at the smallness of this world =>

Well… i’m like.. waiting for sunday to come again, can’t wait! argh.. heh..

I failed my test.. but i’m 5th.. haha.. got 3 ppl pass onli. Only 8 more pts to pass man, sai… Mind went blank doing the test just now. Well, watching band of brothers now. taking a short break then watching the 3rd episode. I’m so tired after going gym… man… think i’m getting infected by all my friend’s gym disease. Well well… i’ll not be blogging much. abit too tired nowadays cos of too much learning. Slept 2 hrs at lunch.. so shiok. Think i’ll do that tomolo =>

Hi ppl, its a thursday. Just went for dinner wth family at raffles marina.. somehow the food not as good as last time already.

I’m not at my limit

its still far to meet

3 weeks down, 3 more to go

halfway there… i’m ready to go!

I’m sick of this existence destroying life. I’m beginning to disappear already! I only need to tahan 3 more weeks… nnnggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Oh my.. i’m at home but it doesn’t feel like it. Like so sian… crap, i starting to hate my course. Coursemates are being idiotic and stupid. Stupid as in cannot study and learn things… idiotic as in… they just like to be asses. Poly ppl really cannot make it. blah. cannot do work one. just too bad for you poly ppl out there…

gf - Lalala… THAT day… is a funny day => one day i feel crazy it will come

Yesterday will never go away, forgetting it is the only way. Don’t moan and try to salvage the past, what’s done is done what’s gone is gone. Only thing you can change now is your future, don’t waste it away eh? Put down your old life and embrace the new! we’re all new creatures.. saved by grace to good works. Live like it babe.. and don’t turn back.

May not remember you all the time but when i do i’ll pray for you.

hoho.. my last post din even come out yet, thinK blogger is getting abit bogged down. Anyway the tests today were easy again.. got a slacker for tester so everyone passed. Waited like.. ages for the second detachment to get back to the garage cos we too fast already! haha… blah.. have to go study for another verbal test. Stupid commands all so complicated and dun make sense… so have to memorise. TGIF! tgif tgif tgif tgif tgif tgif tgif… one more day and i’m outta here!!!!!!

Well, had a pretty easy day. Found that my concentration and tolerance levels during lectures were very very low. Worse than during JC when i just slept… think that its a stupid way to learn..just sit there and say “uh huh uh huh…” when you dunnoe anything at all. Also cannot seem to lock onto whatever he’s saying… feel irritated to listen. haha.. Think thats why i cannot listen on sunday.. at least i dun feel irritated, is that better? heh.. Anyway, we seem more and more smooth at doing things. Tonight got test, must pass… if not very mafan for me.. Now just waitin at the mess in my smelly uniform for dinner. Sigh.. the fries here are tooooooo good! haha… everytime step in here buy a plate at a dollar… lalala…

Oh yes… one more thing, found that reading good books makes my mind focus and become at peace, makes me resensetized and aware of what i’m doing. Think i shld carry on reading during my free time instead of letting my imagination run wild. Coursemates are getting abit irritated with me already cos i complained about the armskote man on behalf of them… like… they keep complaining to me “why armskotman late? why he dowan to open at this time? why he can dun listen to you one? he lcp only wad.. your 3sg for what?” so i complain to course commander. Now the armskote man is so pissed off he’s gonna be quite niao loh… follow things by the book. And then my coursemates say its me who brought up the issue to course commander about him. blah… sux man. Only useless worms like to make noise when they have no reponsibilities and problems. sigh.. only make things happen when you give them a kick… and i only get a wriggle from them… oh well.. i’m like.. the SME* of being IC for whatever not already, Sorta used to it.

Would like to end off here… please tag with grace =>

*subject matter expert